But of course, the longer you are with someone, the less curious you become. The brain loves to automate. That’s why we think we know all there is to know about our partners. The brain is always looking for patterns. So, once we see a pattern, we stop asking questions.

Which kind of sucks.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful to know someone and feel known. But that feeling only lasts for so long before it starts to feel like disinterest, am I right?

It’s the wall so many relationships inevitably hit.

We stop asking what feels good because we think we already know. Except memories are inaccurate. We’re only ever remembering the last time we remembered. To put it another way, our memories are editors.

And since we believe real intimacy is telepathic, we not only stop asking questions, but we assume that our partners know all our answers.

The thrill is gone because we operate on autopilot.

Intimacy, in all its messy, vulnerable glory, requires a little mystery and a lot of curiosity.

In the first episode of our Good Sex series, we're talking about why beating around the bush is killing your sex life and how using your words is the fix.

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In waiting rooms and grocery store lines. The few minutes before the movie previews started. That long stretch of road void of everything but scenery. The space between arriving and whatever comes next.

Nothing happened there. Or at least that’s how it looked to untrained eyes.

But a lot can happen when nothing is happening.

Two people sitting a breath apart, waiting for their names to be called. Staring out of a restaurant window. Leaning against a wall, watching the world and the people in it pass by.

Time appeared to move slowly back then. Slow enough for us to notice.

But those nothing moments seldom stayed empty.

A conversation would erupt. Observations and memories shared. Questions that might not have been asked otherwise.

We drifted into one another’s attention because there wasn’t much else to compete with.

Now those pockets of time are nearly nonexistent. They’ve been filled with notifications. Headlines. Videos. Texts.

Algorithms answer questions we haven’t had time to ask ourselves. Our attention is wrangled by everything but what (or who) is right in front of us.

What gets lost when nothing doesn’t get a chance to become something?

Maybe we miss out on things that are hard to measure. Accidental conversations. Half-formed thoughts. Mundanity that’s worth remembering.

Every era leaves something behind. Maybe nothingness is one thing we’re leaving behind now.

In this week’s episode, we’re getting into what happens to touch (and each other) when we fill up the nothing with blue light and screens.

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After a while, romance is no longer the ignition switch. Perpetual motion sets in. Infrastructure and routine keep things mostly humming along.

They know where the extra batteries are. You remember they had that weird allergic reaction to cheap tequila. And they clock that inflection in your voice when you’re pretending to be “fine.”

And then there are the things that grate on your last nerve.

The way they chew potato chips with their mouth wide open. I mean, you could drive a train through that tunnel.

But you’re not without flaws yourself.

They complain about the sopping wet towels you leave on the floor, the clumps of toothpaste in the sink, and how every crumb always leads them back to you.

These minor irritations can chafe the hell out of your hide. But they might also make you horny AF.

Sounds ridiculous, right? Unless you understand how annoyance moves through the body.

It wakes you the hell up.

Suddenly, your attention is on point.
Your nervous system is in go mode.
And you become acutely aware of what they’re working with ⇣ down there.

In LTRs, awareness is one of the first things to go.

Yeah, they don’t talk much about that, which is why we’re expecting attraction to vamoose, while being completely flummoxed by the out-of-left-field turn-on.

Yes, domesticity can pummel erotic energy into a pancake. But sometimes irritation is a leaven.

Suddenly, this person, your person, who infuriates the shit out of you, activates your turn on, right after you tripped over their big fucking left shoe.

No conflict is not sexy, and dysfunction is not secretly hot. But sometimes…

In this week’s episode, we are talking about how the things that make you roll your eyes might make you want to jump your boo’s bones an hour later.

Yeah, it’s totally a thing.

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We try to use this same marketing hack in long-term relationships. Buying into the myth of the do-over fix. We convince ourselves that if aging or domestic routine yucks our yum, we can just hit the reset with someone new.

Trouble is, bodies have odometers, not do-over buttons. And you can’t unknow what you know about time and gravity.

The predictability and loss of novelty in long-term love are not glitches. They’re reality, which makes it easy to mistake familiarity with the kind of boredom to be solved by a therapist, an exotic vacation, or a new lover.

FYI: A new lover can serve up a heaping dose of adrenaline, sometimes, but not always. But they can’t offer history. And adrenaline is best used in short bursts (too much, too often is called stress).

I’m not advocating for misery in the name of shared history, here. But what I am saying is fleeting thrills are just that… fleeting.

Healthy long-term love offers a witness to versions of yourself that will never be again. Shared memories at different points in your life. Yes, even the sexy bits.

In this week’s episode, we are confronting the myth of the sexual do-over.

What if sex with the same person isn’t a dress rehearsal for a better future?

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When the price of admission in your previous relationship was guilt and a scoreboard, healthy love feels like a setup.

You’re accustomed to looking for the fine print. Genuine gestures can feel like a Trojan horse. You brace yourself for the invoice that tells you how much that kindness is going to cost you.

We think of healing as a clean break, but it’s more like a recalibration. The beat of silence between the trigger and the knee-jerk response. It’s noticing when your “spidey-senses” start tingling when there’s no threat or danger.

The work isn’t finding someone new who isn’t about that score-keeping life. It’s learning to trust that the invoice isn’t coming.

This week’s episode is personal. I’m getting into how the past shapes the present. And how sometimes, flowers are just flowers.

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Either way, it ended.

They moved on. And you did too. Mostly.

Days stretched into weeks, months, maybe even years. But then they came back. Because they finally realized what they had. At least that’s what they said. And you want to believe it.

But what if love didn’t bring them home?

Sometimes reconciliation is more pragmatic than that.

Maybe they just ran the numbers, and the math just didn’t math the same without you.

There’s a big difference between being missed and being needed.

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about the difference between reconciliation and survival instinct. And why it matters which one is on the table.

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Sometimes we mean don’t disagree, disappoint, or make me see you differently. Am I right?

Honesty is a lot more nuanced than we make it out to be, especially in relationships.

We want the truth, the whole truth, but sometimes not the truth.

There is the truth we tell. Which is often different from the truth we live.

Be direct, but not too direct.

Communicate clearly, but don’t hurt my feelings.

Give it to me straight, but pad the landing.

This shit is confusing!

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about how we deceive ourselves into believing we want the truth, and how we punish people for giving it to us.

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Okay, it’s true they’re often clueless about their actual desires. And they’re going about getting their needs met in a potentially disastrous (and harmful) way.

But that’s the nature of humans. We stay trying to fuck around and find out.

We are not inherently destructive. But we’ve got thumbs, so we like using tools to figure shit out.

One could say that cheating is a way to learn stuff about yourself. Another unpopular reality.

This is the part where I give you a disclaimer about my not being an advocate for infidelity. I’m not. Though I have been guilty of it myself.

I’m talking about life as it is, not as we wish it could be. And in real life, people do dumb shit like sneak and creep around. Often for reasons that they themselves are ignorant of.

Just saying.

In this week’s episode, I share a six-hour phone call with a married stranger who thought he was looking for sex. Turns out, he just needed to be witnessed.

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We used to be all over each other. We used to be passionate. We used to have sex ALL the time. She used to look at me with lust in her eyes. He used to make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

We convince ourselves that the past we remember is better than whatever is going on right now.

And maybe it was. But maybe it wasn’t.

Memories are unreliable.

Most of the time, we aren’t remembering what actually happened. We’re remembering the last time we remembered it.

The result? A smattering of truth, a heavy pour of nostalgia, and a story that probably has very little to do with what actually happened.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how we tend to romanticize the sex we used to have. And trust me, we’re not doing ourselves any favors.

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But what if the issue started somewhere else?

We are taught that sex and emotion are separate things. But the research says otherwise.

People who feel emotionally connected to their partners report significantly higher sexual satisfaction. And when that emotional connection erodes, sexual satisfaction usually goes with it.

Most of us never make that connection.

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about how emotional conditions shape the sexual experience. And a question we should ask ourselves if sexual frustration becomes a thing.

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It’s a convenient narrative because lust is a recognizable sin.

But what if lust has little to do with it?

Recent data suggests that nearly 20% of partnered adults over 45 report feeling lonely within their relationships. That’s a staggering number of people living in “intact” homes while feeling completely solitary.

Conversations about infidelity center on blame and shame. But we rarely ask why people are more prone to breaking agreements when they feel invisible.

The danger of the “lust narrative” is that it forces us to solve for the wrong problem. If we think an affair is just about sex, we try to fix the sex. But if the affair is a workaround for loneliness, no amount of spicing things up will make it work.

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about my experience as both the cheater and the cheated. And why I believe that affairs are often an easy way to avoid addressing our needs directly.

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Sit with that for a second.

Social media will have you believing that authenticity is a virtue we all share. But that’s not true. In our most intimate relationships, we are still struggling to be ourselves.

Because we learn early, often before language, that being our true selves comes with consequences. And so we edit, shift, and morph. Sharing only the easy-to-digest parts that won’t risk the connection.

And it feels shitty. Because faking it doesn’t always lead to making it.

In marriages and long-term relationships, it gets even more convoluted. Most of us don’t check in to see who our person is becoming. We’re too busy relating to who they were or who we expect them to be. And when they show up as someone else, we feel threatened.

If you’ve been feeling the tension between wanting to be seen and wanting to feel safe, this week’s episode goes deeper into it.

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We were sold the idea that loving someone means not wanting anyone else. That narrow, exclusive desire was natural. That your eyes, body, and fantasies will all line up neatly behind “the one.”

It’s no wonder that we are gutted when we discover that this isn’t true.

How did you find out?

Was it when the person you loved lost their tongue down someone else’s throat? Or when you accidentally fell on top of some genitalia that wasn’t attached to your beloved?

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Romance gets the top spot. Other relationships fall in line. Family. Best friends. Other friends. Neighbors and coworkers. Etc.

We don’t question it, because most of us are living it. The structure is the norm.

Once a romantic partner comes on the scene, the world contracts around it. Your friendships thin out. The people who knew you before see less of you.

Suddenly, the romance carries all the weight.

Which wouldn’t be terrible if desire didn’t need room to breathe. And if the other people in your orbit didn’t need you too.

This week on the pod, we’re popping the hood to see what happens when romantic relationships have to be everything. And what that end-all-be-all-ness does to desire, connection, and your sex life.

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Infidelity.
Dishonesty.
Poor Communication.

Those are the ones we talk about the most.

But what about money?

I think that money is one of the biggest threats. To our relationships and to our sex lives.

Not necessarily because people fight about it. Though that’s a thing. And not always because someone is financially irresponsible or hiding something.

Sometimes it’s just regular old financial stress.

The bills might get paid, but money takes up more mental space than that. It’s one of the hardest parts of adulting. And it can’t stop, won’t stop.

When money isn’t flowing, you wake up thinking about it. If an unexpected expense pops up, you can’t sleep.

Money influences hundreds of little decisions throughout the day.

You might think it’s a practical problem. A numbers issue. But financial stress doesn’t stay in your bank account. It affects how relaxed you feel, how present you are, how much mental space you have, and how you fuck. Or whether you’re fucking at all.

That’s what I’m talking about in this week’s episode. The connection between financial stress, the nervous system, and the way money changes your sex life without you realizing it.

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You don’t hate it, not necessarily, but you’re not into it.

But you’ve never said a word.

It’s not dramatic. It’s probably small. A touch that feels like sandpaper. The rhythm is off. Maybe something you’ve outgrown.

Still, you say nothing. Instead, you adjust a little. Offer a subtle redirect. Perhaps you just let it happen and tell yourself it’s not worth making it a thing.

Staying quiet is easier. No muss, no fuss.

You probably don’t think of this as avoidance. The relationship is good. The sex isn’t terrible. Your partner loves you. Of that you’re sure. That’s why the silence feels harmless. Why make a big deal when everything is mostly fine?

The sex keeps happening. It’s functional and familiar.

But you’re a little less there every time.

Eventually, your appetite for sex starts to thin. Not all at once. Gradually. And you don’t say anything about that either

This week’s episode explores the habit of quietly accepting what doesn’t work for you in bed. And what’s going on in the gap between the sex you’re having and what you really desire.

Research shows that partners only know about 62% of what the other person enjoys sexually.

This conversation is about the other 38%.

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The difference isn’t the low libido. It’s the story they’re telling themselves about it.

The mortified one is convinced something is wrong with them. That they’re letting their partner down. That they should be able to flip a switch and want it again. They believe the shift in their sexual desire caused the cavern in their relationship.

The unbothered one is still living their best life. They’ve been married for 25+ years, and their spouse is still very sexual. Their relationship is teeming with sexual energy, but actual sex is only happening once or twice a month.

While it’s true that sex can sometimes be a gauge for the health of a relationship, frequency is not always indicative of desire or attraction. However, there is this unspoken rule that says, “If sex isn’t happening, something is wrong,” and that means there has to be a fall guy/person.

Should you be mortified or unbothered if you’re not doing it? Neither. Both. Depends.

Either way, beating yourself up isn’t the way to find out.

In this episode, we’re talking about what it actually feels like to be the lower-desire partner. The guilt. The shame. The pressure. And why staying curious beats forcing anything — including an explanation

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You’re not fighting. Sure, you bicker sometimes, but no more than the average couple. Neither of you has plans to leave the relationship.

Your feet still find one another under the covers. You still get that little flutter of anticipation when you know your honey is on their way home. They’re still the one.

But you’re not having sex. And you haven’t in quite a while. Which is disorienting, given how strong your feelings are.

Culture doesn’t give us much nuance here. We’re socialized to the idea that healthy relationships include sex. So when you stop doing the do, that must mean the relationship is hitting the skids, right?

Sometimes. But not always.

People who love each other deeply stop having sex, too. In this episode, we’re exploring why that happens. And it doesn’t mean what you think… pinky swear.

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I didn’t mean to keep track. But I did. The nights he reached for me versus the nights when he didn’t. What he wanted on the nights he snuggled up close. What his hand was saying when it reached for my breast.

Seemed innocent at first. Loving. Gentle. Made me feel desired.

But something started niggling at the back of my mind. I have a habit of turning things over. Sometimes those things snowball. This was one of those times.

“What would happen if we didn’t have sex anymore?” I asked. “Would we still be together?”

His celestial eyes glazed over. “Why would you want to stop having sex?” His voice was completely devoid of emotion. I could tell he was trying his damnedest to be neutral. But this was not neutral territory.

“I don’t… want to stop. But I’m curious what would happen if I did.”

It’s true, I am inquisitive, but this wasn’t curiosity. It was insecurity. And we both knew it.

I’m not the first woman to ask this question. And definitely not the last.

The better question is, if I stop having sex with you, will you LEAVE?

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It’s been three weeks since the last time. Not that he was counting. He was definitely counting.

It wasn’t always like this.

The worst part? He’d wanted her tonight. Bad. And she wanted him too. Somewhere between dinner and now, everything went left.

“I didn’t even mean it like that,” he muttered.

She turned over long enough to glare at him. “It’s always the same thing with you. Your way or no way.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

They’ve been having some version of this same conversation for years.

They think they’re arguing about sex. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth, which explains why there’s never a resolution.

Sound familiar?

Research describes sex as one of the most recurring topics that couples argue about, alongside money, chores, and children.

Why do you think that is?

I have a theory, because of course I have a theory. And I’m talking about it on this week’s episode of the podcast.

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