<![CDATA[Sex IRL]]>

<![CDATA[Sex IRL]]>https://www.sexinreallife.comhttps://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!WObe!,w_256,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fbucketeer-e05bbc84-baa3-437e-9518-adb32be77984.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F39dd65c6-6e55-4d5b-913c-7303ad67d4ee_1280x1280.pngSex IRLhttps://www.sexinreallife.comSubstackMon, 27 Apr 2026 18:12:50 GMT<![CDATA[Married Cheater ISO Sex. What If You Just Need to Feel Seen?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/married-cheater-iso-sex-what-if-youhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/married-cheater-iso-sex-what-if-youWed, 22 Apr 2026 12:15:47 GMTUnpopular reality: a lot of married people on dating apps are not looking for sex.

Okay, it’s true they’re often clueless about their actual desires. And they’re going about getting their needs met in a potentially disastrous (and harmful) way.

But that’s the nature of humans. We stay trying to fuck around and find out.

We are not inherently destructive. But we’ve got thumbs, so we like using tools to figure shit out.

One could say that cheating is a way to learn stuff about yourself. Another unpopular reality.

This is the part where I give you a disclaimer about my not being an advocate for infidelity. I’m not. Though I have been guilty of it myself.

I’m talking about life as it is, not as we wish it could be. And in real life, people do dumb shit like sneak and creep around. Often for reasons that they themselves are ignorant of.

Just saying.

In this week’s episode, I share a six-hour phone call with a married stranger who thought he was looking for sex. Turns out, he just needed to be witnessed.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[What If the Sex You're Mourning Wasn't as Good as You Remember?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-the-sex-youre-mourning-wasnthttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-the-sex-youre-mourning-wasntWed, 15 Apr 2026 12:15:10 GMTMost of the people I know beyond 40 get plagued by the used to’s.

We used to be all over each other. We used to be passionate. We used to have sex ALL the time. She used to look at me with lust in her eyes. He used to make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

We convince ourselves that the past we remember is better than whatever is going on right now.

And maybe it was. But maybe it wasn’t.

Memories are unreliable.

Most of the time, we aren’t remembering what actually happened. We’re remembering the last time we remembered it.

The result? A smattering of truth, a heavy pour of nostalgia, and a story that probably has very little to do with what actually happened.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about how we tend to romanticize the sex we used to have. And trust me, we’re not doing ourselves any favors.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[What if Sexual Frustration Isn’t About Sex (Most of the time)?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-sexual-frustration-isnt-abouthttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-sexual-frustration-isnt-aboutWed, 08 Apr 2026 12:10:51 GMTWe assume sexual frustration starts in the bedroom. So we focus entirely on trying to have more sex. Or make the sex we’re having (if we’re having it) better.

But what if the issue started somewhere else?

We are taught that sex and emotion are separate things. But the research says otherwise.

People who feel emotionally connected to their partners report significantly higher sexual satisfaction. And when that emotional connection erodes, sexual satisfaction usually goes with it.

Most of us never make that connection.

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about how emotional conditions shape the sexual experience. And a question we should ask ourselves if sexual frustration becomes a thing.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Sometimes Lonely People Do Stupid Things like Cheat on the Person They Love]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/sometimes-lonely-people-do-stupidhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/sometimes-lonely-people-do-stupidWed, 01 Apr 2026 12:20:48 GMTWe imagine affairs as stories of heat and forbidden lust. Two people who simply couldn’t keep their clothes on or their hands off each other.

It’s a convenient narrative because lust is a recognizable sin.

But what if lust has little to do with it?

Recent data suggests that nearly 20% of partnered adults over 45 report feeling lonely within their relationships. That’s a staggering number of people living in “intact” homes while feeling completely solitary.

Conversations about infidelity center on blame and shame. But we rarely ask why people are more prone to breaking agreements when they feel invisible.

The danger of the “lust narrative” is that it forces us to solve for the wrong problem. If we think an affair is just about sex, we try to fix the sex. But if the affair is a workaround for loneliness, no amount of spicing things up will make it work.

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about my experience as both the cheater and the cheated. And why I believe that affairs are often an easy way to avoid addressing our needs directly.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[The Version of You They Can Handle]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/the-version-of-you-they-can-handlehttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/the-version-of-you-they-can-handleWed, 25 Mar 2026 12:16:01 GMTThe people who love you may not actually want to know you. Because the real you makes them uncomfortable.

Sit with that for a second.

Social media will have you believing that authenticity is a virtue we all share. But that’s not true. In our most intimate relationships, we are still struggling to be ourselves.

Because we learn early, often before language, that being our true selves comes with consequences. And so we edit, shift, and morph. Sharing only the easy-to-digest parts that won’t risk the connection.

And it feels shitty. Because faking it doesn’t always lead to making it.

In marriages and long-term relationships, it gets even more convoluted. Most of us don’t check in to see who our person is becoming. We’re too busy relating to who they were or who we expect them to be. And when they show up as someone else, we feel threatened.

If you’ve been feeling the tension between wanting to be seen and wanting to feel safe, this week’s episode goes deeper into it.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Romantic Love and Sexual Exclusivity Are Two Very Different Things]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/love-and-sexual-exclusivity-are-twohttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/love-and-sexual-exclusivity-are-twoFri, 20 Mar 2026 13:20:41 GMT

Peonies in Love, 2024, Stacey Herrera

We were sold the idea that loving someone means not wanting anyone else. That narrow, exclusive desire was natural. That your eyes, body, and fantasies will all line up neatly behind “the one.”

It’s no wonder that we are gutted when we discover that this isn’t true.

How did you find out?

Was it when the person you loved lost their tongue down someone else’s throat? Or when you accidentally fell on top of some genitalia that wasn’t attached to your beloved?

]]><![CDATA[Can Your Relationship Handle Being the End-All-Be-All?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/can-your-relationship-handle-beinghttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/can-your-relationship-handle-beingWed, 18 Mar 2026 12:03:46 GMTThe hierarchy is hidden in plain sight.

Romance gets the top spot. Other relationships fall in line. Family. Best friends. Other friends. Neighbors and coworkers. Etc.

We don’t question it, because most of us are living it. The structure is the norm.

Once a romantic partner comes on the scene, the world contracts around it. Your friendships thin out. The people who knew you before see less of you.

Suddenly, the romance carries all the weight.

Which wouldn’t be terrible if desire didn’t need room to breathe. And if the other people in your orbit didn’t need you too.

This week on the pod, we’re popping the hood to see what happens when romantic relationships have to be everything. And what that end-all-be-all-ness does to desire, connection, and your sex life.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Financial Stress Is F*ckng With Your Sex Life]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/financial-stress-is-fckng-with-yourhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/financial-stress-is-fckng-with-yourWed, 11 Mar 2026 12:10:33 GMTMost couples believe there are three major threats to a relationship.

Infidelity.
Dishonesty.
Poor Communication.

Those are the ones we talk about the most.

But what about money?

I think that money is one of the biggest threats. To our relationships and to our sex lives.

Not necessarily because people fight about it. Though that’s a thing. And not always because someone is financially irresponsible or hiding something.

Sometimes it’s just regular old financial stress.

The bills might get paid, but money takes up more mental space than that. It’s one of the hardest parts of adulting. And it can’t stop, won’t stop.

When money isn’t flowing, you wake up thinking about it. If an unexpected expense pops up, you can’t sleep.

Money influences hundreds of little decisions throughout the day.

You might think it’s a practical problem. A numbers issue. But financial stress doesn’t stay in your bank account. It affects how relaxed you feel, how present you are, how much mental space you have, and how you fuck. Or whether you’re fucking at all.

That’s what I’m talking about in this week’s episode. The connection between financial stress, the nervous system, and the way money changes your sex life without you realizing it.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[The 38% Your Partner Doesn't Know About Your Sex Life]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/the-38-your-partner-doesnt-know-abouthttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/the-38-your-partner-doesnt-know-aboutWed, 04 Mar 2026 13:15:30 GMTThere’s this thing your partner does in bed that you don’t love.

You don’t hate it, not necessarily, but you’re not into it.

But you’ve never said a word.

It’s not dramatic. It’s probably small. A touch that feels like sandpaper. The rhythm is off. Maybe something you’ve outgrown.

Still, you say nothing. Instead, you adjust a little. Offer a subtle redirect. Perhaps you just let it happen and tell yourself it’s not worth making it a thing.

Staying quiet is easier. No muss, no fuss.

You probably don’t think of this as avoidance. The relationship is good. The sex isn’t terrible. Your partner loves you. Of that you’re sure. That’s why the silence feels harmless. Why make a big deal when everything is mostly fine?

The sex keeps happening. It’s functional and familiar.

But you’re a little less there every time.

Eventually, your appetite for sex starts to thin. Not all at once. Gradually. And you don’t say anything about that either

This week’s episode explores the habit of quietly accepting what doesn’t work for you in bed. And what’s going on in the gap between the sex you’re having and what you really desire.

Research shows that partners only know about 62% of what the other person enjoys sexually.

This conversation is about the other 38%.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[What If You're the One with the Low Sex Drive?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-youre-the-one-with-the-lowhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/what-if-youre-the-one-with-the-lowWed, 25 Feb 2026 13:15:41 GMTTwo different people that I know are experiencing low libido. Both are over 50. Different genders. Both have a rich sexual past. One is unbothered by the drop in sexual interest, and the other is mortified.

The difference isn’t the low libido. It’s the story they’re telling themselves about it.

The mortified one is convinced something is wrong with them. That they’re letting their partner down. That they should be able to flip a switch and want it again. They believe the shift in their sexual desire caused the cavern in their relationship.

The unbothered one is still living their best life. They’ve been married for 25+ years, and their spouse is still very sexual. Their relationship is teeming with sexual energy, but actual sex is only happening once or twice a month.

While it’s true that sex can sometimes be a gauge for the health of a relationship, frequency is not always indicative of desire or attraction. However, there is this unspoken rule that says, “If sex isn’t happening, something is wrong,” and that means there has to be a fall guy/person.

Should you be mortified or unbothered if you’re not doing it? Neither. Both. Depends.

Either way, beating yourself up isn’t the way to find out.

In this episode, we’re talking about what it actually feels like to be the lower-desire partner. The guilt. The shame. The pressure. And why staying curious beats forcing anything — including an explanation

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[5 Causes of Sexlessness in Otherwise Loving Relationships]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/5-causes-of-sexlessness-in-otherwisehttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/5-causes-of-sexlessness-in-otherwiseWed, 18 Feb 2026 13:10:08 GMTBeyond any doubt, you love your partner. And they love you too.

You’re not fighting. Sure, you bicker sometimes, but no more than the average couple. Neither of you has plans to leave the relationship.

Your feet still find one another under the covers. You still get that little flutter of anticipation when you know your honey is on their way home. They’re still the one.

But you’re not having sex. And you haven’t in quite a while. Which is disorienting, given how strong your feelings are.

Culture doesn’t give us much nuance here. We’re socialized to the idea that healthy relationships include sex. So when you stop doing the do, that must mean the relationship is hitting the skids, right?

Sometimes. But not always.

People who love each other deeply stop having sex, too. In this episode, we’re exploring why that happens. And it doesn’t mean what you think… pinky swear.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[If the Only Thing Missing Was Sex, Would That Be Enough to Stay?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/if-the-only-thing-missing-was-sexhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/if-the-only-thing-missing-was-sexMon, 16 Feb 2026 18:16:15 GMT

I didn’t mean to keep track. But I did. The nights he reached for me versus the nights when he didn’t. What he wanted on the nights he snuggled up close. What his hand was saying when it reached for my breast.

Seemed innocent at first. Loving. Gentle. Made me feel desired.

But something started niggling at the back of my mind. I have a habit of turning things over. Sometimes those things snowball. This was one of those times.

“What would happen if we didn’t have sex anymore?” I asked. “Would we still be together?”

His celestial eyes glazed over. “Why would you want to stop having sex?” His voice was completely devoid of emotion. I could tell he was trying his damnedest to be neutral. But this was not neutral territory.

“I don’t… want to stop. But I’m curious what would happen if I did.”

It’s true, I am inquisitive, but this wasn’t curiosity. It was insecurity. And we both knew it.

I’m not the first woman to ask this question. And definitely not the last.

The better question is, if I stop having sex with you, will you LEAVE?

]]><![CDATA[How Sex Becomes a Source of Conflict in Longterm Relationships]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-sex-becomes-a-source-of-conflicthttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-sex-becomes-a-source-of-conflictWed, 11 Feb 2026 13:02:44 GMT“Fine.” She turned off the light. He knew what that meant. No sex—again.

It’s been three weeks since the last time. Not that he was counting. He was definitely counting.

It wasn’t always like this.

The worst part? He’d wanted her tonight. Bad. And she wanted him too. Somewhere between dinner and now, everything went left.

“I didn’t even mean it like that,” he muttered.

She turned over long enough to glare at him. “It’s always the same thing with you. Your way or no way.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

They’ve been having some version of this same conversation for years.

They think they’re arguing about sex. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth, which explains why there’s never a resolution.

Sound familiar?

Research describes sex as one of the most recurring topics that couples argue about, alongside money, chores, and children.

Why do you think that is?

I have a theory, because of course I have a theory. And I’m talking about it on this week’s episode of the podcast.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[When Longterm Love Loses Its Edge in Midlife Relationships]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/when-longterm-love-loses-its-edgehttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/when-longterm-love-loses-its-edgeWed, 04 Feb 2026 13:03:42 GMTYou’re lying next to the love of your life. They’re your person, have been for years (plural).

You love them, like really love them. You’re sure about that. But when you look at them now, the butterflies don’t flutter.

You wonder, “Am I still in love?” The question alone is enough to make your stomach somersault.

What happened to us? When did it change? Can we fix it?

There was a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. The pull was electromagnetic. And the anticipation??? Kept you in a constant state of arousal.

Now you can’t remember the last time you actually looked forward to getting home. And that scares you. Because what does it mean?

Is the relationship FUBAR? Are you destined to live a beige life, separately together?

We’re unpacking this super common phenomenon in this week’s episode.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[How to Hold Space When Your Partner Is Too Tired for Sex]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-to-hold-space-when-your-partnerhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-to-hold-space-when-your-partnerWed, 28 Jan 2026 13:16:00 GMTHe was too tired to take off his clothes, so he crawled into bed with his jeans on.

She was wearing the lingerie he’d bought her for Christmas. That morning, before the sunrise, they’d kissed and made plans to make love after dark.

She felt rejected. She’d been thinking about it all day, already turned on, anticipating his return. But her desire was no match for his exhaustion.

“It’s been a long day,” he yawned. “I’m so happy to be home with—” He fell fast asleep before he could finish his sentence.

She turned onto her back, pressing her hands into the softness of her belly. Feeling the lace beneath her fingertips flushed her cheeks.

Had she been a fool to hope?

What comes next is crucial. She can make his exhaustion about her. Or hold space for his humanity.

She could feel the story brewing. The one about him not wanting her and this being the beginning of their end. But she stopped herself.

He wasn’t rejecting her. He was just out of gas. So she took off her lingerie, slipped into his favorite t-shirt, and curled up next to him.

The next morning, they finished what they hadn’t had a chance to start the night before.

That’s what this episode is about.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Is Monotony Killing the Buzz in Your Sex Life?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/is-monotony-killing-the-buzz-in-yourhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/is-monotony-killing-the-buzz-in-yourWed, 21 Jan 2026 13:20:27 GMTThis year, I intend to prioritize self-pleasure. I’m not just talking about masturbation. I’m also talking about leaning into joy, doing things that light me up, and prioritizing my creativity.

These are not things that require my partner’s participation, but my partner is benefiting. Our sex life is more alive than it’s been in years.

Our cuddles have been more intimate. We are kissing more and flirting more.

I actually haven’t been masturbating much more than before, but even that small increase has made a difference. But the change in our connection has been monumental.

But it isn’t just because of my intention. My partner made some intentions of his own. But the biggest shift is that each of us is more receptive.

In case you were wondering how long it took to notice a difference, the answer is immediate.

There is a newness that we’re both experiencing.

That’s the thing about long-term relationships; patterns and routines make our lives easier.

Our brains love to automate things because it makes life easier, but routine is also the antithesis of desire.

Desire needs novelty.

That doesn’t mean that you have to break up and start over. Sometimes a tweak can be as simple as setting an intention and following through.

Getting your favorite piece of sex furniture re-stuffed.
Upgrading your mattress pad.
Getting busy before sunrise instead of after sunset.

Simple tweaks. Big payoff.

That’s the conversation for this week’s episode.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Is Your Sex Life Doomed When You're Recovering from Sickness or Surgery?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/is-your-sex-life-doomed-when-yourehttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/is-your-sex-life-doomed-when-youreWed, 14 Jan 2026 00:48:43 GMTYou planned for everything. Time off work. Meals prepped. Help lined up. But nobody told you what happens to your sex life during recovery. And now you’re a month in, realizing: oh. We can’t do that.

Sickness and surgery—they’re part of aging. And they don’t have to mean the thrill is gone. Just postponed.

But only if you handle it right. Open communication. Managed expectations. Grace for the mess.

In this episode, I’m breaking down how to handle sex during recovery.

Managing expectations. Avoiding resentment. Keeping the sexual energy alive even when you can’t act on it.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Will Setting Sexual Intentions Improve Your Sex Life? Maybe So…]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/will-setting-sexual-intentions-improvehttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/will-setting-sexual-intentions-improveWed, 07 Jan 2026 13:20:04 GMTEvery January, we’re inundated with talk of resolutions and goals. Now is the time to (fill in the blank with whatever commitment you might not keep).

You’ll set goals for your career. Your health. Your finances. Maybe your relationships.

But your sex life? That’s supposed to just... happen?

Here’s the thing: sex is something many of us enjoy. Yet we don’t make a single plan to improve it, explore it, or even have it consistently.

Why not?

In this episode, we’re fixing that. Questions to ask yourself. What you control vs. what needs buy-in. And a worksheet to make it real.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

Download the worksheet. Answer the questions honestly. Write it down.

And if you’re feeling bold and brash, share one intention in the comments. Doesn’t have to be your deepest secret. Even simple intentions count.

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]]><![CDATA[How Can You Own Your Wanting When You Struggle with Erectile Dysfunction?]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-can-you-own-your-wanting-whenhttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/how-can-you-own-your-wanting-whenWed, 17 Dec 2025 13:15:34 GMTErectile dysfunction can be all-consuming… if you let it.

It can puncture your pride. Cripple your self-esteem. And suck the life right out of your life.

If you let it.

The physical reality is hard enough. Truth be told, ‌that’s not even the worst part.

Most men give up much more.

Fantasizing. Craving. Imagining. Longing. DESIRE.

When desire goes, you don’t just lose sex. You lose the capacity to want anything.

Food tastes like nothing. Music sounds flat. Your partner walks by, and you feel... nothing.

Going through the motions means you’re alive. But that’s not living.

Shutting down wanting to protect yourself from disappointment, makes for a gray, bland, blah-blah-blah life.

But that will only be your fate —if you let it.

Wanting is still yours. If you want it.

This is the final episode in the six-part ED series, and we’re talking about reclaiming your desire.

Because desire doesn’t live in your dick, it lives in your mind. And that? That’s still yours.

Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

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]]><![CDATA[Do You Need to Have a Hard Cock to Have Good Sex? That Would Be a NO]]>https://www.sexinreallife.com/p/do-you-need-to-have-a-hard-cock-tohttps://www.sexinreallife.com/p/do-you-need-to-have-a-hard-cock-toWed, 10 Dec 2025 13:20:51 GMTI love soft penis sex.

That’s not an attention-grabbing hook. It’s a #FACT.

I love penises in general.

Small. Big.
Soft. Hard.
Crooked
(💡mental note: write a post about crooked cocks).

I suspect I’m not alone in this. But there’s a story that lives rent-free in our heads that says that the best dicks are big and hard.

The big, hard cock lore is a tale as old as time. But like most tall tales, it’s embellished. And it also excludes the majority of the population.

But we won’t get into penile folklore today.

Today, we’re talking about what happens when we de-center erections and move into pleasure-centric sex.

I could write a whole diatribe about it, but I think it’d be better if you just listened (up there 👆🏾) or on your favorite platform.

Oh, and this post is a great companion to this episode 👇🏾

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