10 Interesting Things Sexually Intelligent People Know
#4 — They know how to adapt.
As of this very moment, I am a 30-plus-year sexual veteran. That’s right, friends, I have been getting busy for more than three decades! And I admit I still have a lot to learn. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed forever student of sexuality.
I have come a long way from the teenage girl who was as committed to keeping her shirt on as Linus is to that damn blue blanket. My evolved, grown woman self takes great pleasure in the intimacy of being completely naked with another body. But arriving at the point of being both comfortable with my body and my sexuality has been a journey. Complete with trauma, years of therapy, and lots of practice.
I have been very intentional about honing my sexual intelligence. I take my sexual education seriously. And this goes beyond sexual academia, coaches, and courses.
A considerable part of my sex ed journey centered around my mindset, self-perception, and healing the parts of myself that I’d deemed unlovable. And as my therapist will attest, it has been a very wild ride.
By now, you might be wondering what I mean by sexual intelligence. Here’s a simple definition:
“Sexual Intelligence means dealing with sexuality in a straightforward way, rather than hiding it, denying it, or blaming it.” — Dr. Marty Klein, author of Sexual Intelligence
Sexual intelligence does not require formal education or an advanced degree. A little patience and a lot of self-awareness are all you need.
In case this whole sexual intellect business is still feeling a bit vague, here’s a list of 10 interesting, but simple things that sexually intelligent people know:
1. They understand what normal really means.
The definition of “normal” is typical or average. We can all agree on that, yeah? So you probably won’t be surprised when I tell you that a “normal” sex life is awkward. And that most people are self-conscious and critical of their bodies.
Or that the average person doesn’t feel sexually confident. They worry about performance and whether they are doing it right. Sometimes they are too shy to ask for what they want.
A normal sex life includes health problems and emotional exhaustion. Sex often happens between two tired bodies who focus on work far more than they should. They are easily distracted and regard sex as an extracurricular activity, rather than a necessity.
Sexually intelligent people get that, and they rally against having a “normal” sex life. But they also don’t mind fuck themselves with romanticized ideas about what sex should look like. They don’t expect the mood and the ambiance to be perfect. They understand that the ever-changing landscape of the human body includes unwellness.
They don’t wait for the right time. They accept that good sex may or may not include orgasm. And here’s a biggie, they don’t assume that all sexual activity will lead to intercourse.
Sexual intellects understand that sex is more than PIV. And they don’t let the absence of erection or slow arousal response define the totality of the experience.
They measure sexual success by whether pleasure is experienced or not. That’s it, that’s all.
2. They know that the whole body is erogenous.
The human nervous system is the superhighway of sensation. Every square inch of your body is wired to feel. It was previously thought that sexual stimulation was limited to the mouth, nipples, genitalia, and anus — with the neck, butt, and thighs added for good measure.
But while those areas may be concentrated hot spots, there is no place on your body that is not capable of instigating sexual arousal. Naturally, results vary from person to person.
Some parts of the body may be less responsive when you’re feeling angry or sad. Mood, environment, and circumstances affect the potential and duration of arousal. But the fact remains that your whole body is an erogenous zone. And sexually intelligent people recognize this fact.
Acknowledging the erotic potential of the human body map encourages experimentation. It creates opportunities to explore with less emphasis on orgasm and more focus on pleasure.
All body parts are sexual organs. Eyebrows and elbows. Knees and toes. Shoulders and flanks. Nailbeds and heels. I once became aroused by the beat of someone else’s heart! So when I tell you that opening your mind will increase the sum of your pleasure — I mean it!
3. They focus on what they want.
When I ask my clients what they want, sexually speaking, I hear a litany of things. Cunnilingus. Lots of foreplay. Rough sex. Slow sex. Anal sex. To feel desired. To be devoured. Satisfaction. Multiple orgasms. Blow jobs.
They want variety and consistency. They want participation and anticipation, passion, and lust. They want that 9 ½ weeks kind of sex, complete with the soundtrack and deadpan stares. At least that’s what their mouths say.
But here’s what I know for sure, what our mouths say we want and what we actually want is seldom the same thing. This is true in life and in bed.
It basically boils down to pleasure and intimacy. That’s what we all want, and by all, I mean most. But pleasure and intimacy are rarely the focus of our sexcapades.
Instead, we focus on whether our asses look fat or jiggly. Or if our armpits are fresh. We worry about cumming too soon or not cumming at all.
We concern ourselves with the strength of our erections. Whether our vaginas are salivating or if we’re cotton-pussyed. Not catching feelings, or being too clingy. We focus on the pain we are trying not to feel and restraining ourselves from feeling too damn good.
And while these may all seem like valid concerns, they are actually distractions that keep you out of your body and stuck in your head.
But the sexually intelligent person knows that while pleasure is a neurological impulse that comes from the brain, it’s experienced in the body. And so that is where they place their focus — wherever sensation is.
They don’t overthink; they allow themselves to be led by intuition and instinct. They trust their bodies, even when it appears not to cooperate.
4. They know how to adapt.
Bodies become different. Life happens — sex changes. Sexually intelligent people adapt.
The body you had in your 20s is long gone, and I hate to be the one to break it to you but, it’s not coming back. But that’s not all — it’s going to keep changing. This means you will have to adjust to a new normal, over and over again.
But that’s okay.
Your ass may spread, as your breasts begin to relax. Your testicles may dip lower than they once did. Sure your erection may not be as strong. And your self-lubrication less plentiful. But the physical transformations that arrive with age, only inhibit pleasure if you let them.
Changed bodies can still experience sexual delights. And the sooner you accept what is, and adapt your mind to the reality of today, the more accessible pleasure becomes.
5. They acknowledge that sex is emotional.
Sex is one of the ways we get our emotional needs met. Be it reassurance that you are still desired. Or validation of your masculine or feminine self. Or even a confidence boost.
Because the truth is, emotional fulfillment often overrides the desire for pleasure and intimacy. #ForFacts. That’s what most people mean when they talk about dissatisfying sex.
It’s not that you didn’t reach orgasm or that his erection took the night off. Lack of validation and emotional fulfillment makes you feel some kinda way, which you may describe as a sexual disappointment.
But because sexual intelligence includes self-awareness, the sexual intellect is aware of their emotional needs. And acknowledging the emotional component allows them to fulfill those needs within their sexual experiences. How? By telling their partner what they need and asking for it.
6. They know a few things about self-acceptance.
A large part of what makes a sexual experience positive revolves around how you perceive yourself. Think about it, if you think you’re unattractive, how can you believe that your partner thinks you’re hot? If you are continually picking your body apart, it will never behoove you to think that your partner loves the dimples in your booty.
How you see yourself will either limit or enhance your ability to experience pleasure — sexually and otherwise.
Sexually intelligent people accept themselves — as they are. Not to say that they do not desire to look or feel different. But they are not ashamed of the way they look or feel now. It is entirely possible to accept reality and desire change — simultaneously.
People who struggle to accept themselves can’t take a compliment. They get defensive when people are kind and loving toward them. They are in a constant holding pattern, waiting for the other metaphorical shoe to drop. When they’re engaged in what could potentially be hot, sweaty, pleasurable sex — they distract themselves with self-destructive thoughts.
Conversely, people who are at peace with themselves, create space for their partners to accept themselves too. Their air of confidence provides a sense of reassurance to the other person. It sends a message that says, “I think I can stop holding in my stomach now.” And because breathing is such an essential component of pleasure, I think being able to exhale is a good thing. Wouldn’t you agree?
7. They understand that sexuality is diverse.
Sex educator Reid Mihalko likens human sexuality to a box of Crayola crayons. Some people color with one or two colors, and others want to scribble with all the colors. You know Crayola’s come in 120 colors, right?
The point is, sexuality is as diverse as Crayola’s. And diversity is not the exception; it’s the rule.
Sexually intelligent folks get that fantasies, boundaries, love styles, gender identities, sexual history, desire, attraction, and behavior differ from person to person.
What one person deems pleasurable may be painful for someone else. Perhaps swinging is your idea of a sexual buffet, but some folks are disgusted by the idea of playing switch. Monogamy might work for you, but some people are just not good at it.
There is no baseline when it comes to sexuality.
The spectrum is vast and long. Many things factor into what you like and what you don’t. Culture, religious beliefs, and inherited values all play a role in how your sexuality evolves.
Your brand of sexuality is not the standard. You’re allowed to like what you like and explore what you want to explore. Others have those same rights. You do not have to like or sample everything. And others don’t need your approval to like what they like, either.
Separating your preferences from your judgment makes room for dialog and understanding. If your partner is into something that you’re not, they aren’t gross — you’re just not comfortable with it, which is perfectly fine.
8. They understand the connection between comfort and pleasure.
Being a sexually diverse species means that pleasure can sometimes be hit or miss. Because often you won’t know whether you like something or not until you try it. That’s where comfort comes in.
Sexual wisdom dictates that comfort is a precursor to pleasure.
The ability to be relaxed and content during a sexual experience makes all the difference. Being comfortable allows your body to release the tension that can inhibit arousal. When you feel at ease, your body opens the door and invites pleasure to cum right in. See what I did there?
This is one of the reasons why foreplay is so important. It’s like a primer, not just for the body, but for the mind. Foreplay gives you space to get out of your head. And it also affords sufficient time for your body to come online. Generous foreplay makes room for full arousal. I’m talking about that wet panties, big chubby, pitter-pattering heart, flush skin, and dilated pupil kind of arousal.
Yeah — that.
9. They know how to use their words and gestures.
Do you know why so many people don’t enjoy sex? Because their partner doesn’t know what they like. Do you know why they don’t know what they like? Because they haven’t been told.
Feedback is what separates boredom from pleasure. It’s the bridge between “hell, naw,” and “hell, yes!”
Sexually intelligent people know how important it is to give feedback in real time. Yep, that’s right; you should be telling your partner what feels good and what doesn’t while it’s happening. Of course, this does not negate the need for post-coital commentary. But if you don’t say (or do) something that cues your partner in on the experience you are having, how will they know?
For example, my partner and I were in the middle of a hot and heavy sexy session when he began to rub my anus. His fingers were already inside my vagina, so he decided to move the party down south. Makes total sense, right? At the time, my mouth was full (I’m sure I don’t have to explain this), so words were not an option. Instead, I uttered, “Uh-uh.” And without skipping a beat, he stopped, but the pleasure didn’t. During aftercare, he thanked me for letting him know what I did not want. And I thanked him for honoring my boundary.
Hesitating to communicate during sex can cause harm, but it can also prevent pleasure. And while talking during sex may be a tad intimidating, at first, practice makes better.
10. They take everything in stride.
There is no such thing as perfection, and sexually intelligent people know this. They also believe that nothing can go wrong. Not because shit doesn’t happen, but because they only measure success by pleasure. That means that everything that happens is fair game.
When sex is not performative, everything is welcome. You can guffaw at the bloopers and snorttle about the mishaps. Because laughter is a huge part of pleasure, and sex doesn’t have to be serious to feel good. Sex should be fun — sometimes. Or all the time, because why not?
An enjoyable sex life does not require pornstar skills or great lighting. You don’t need to have a dong the size of a baby’s leg or a husband stitch. Pleasurable sex is accessible to anyone willing to confront the fears and anxieties that come with surviving childhood.
So I basically wrote this long-ass article that centers on sex, but you could sub sex for life, and it still works. The recipe is simple:
(sexual) knowledge, (body) awareness, and emotional flexibility.
When you’ve done the internal work to free yourself from the prison of not-enoughness, sex is better. But even more than that, life is sweeter.
Wow! Learn something new every day! The best thing about growing more mature is that you learn to speak up. Say what you like and what you don't like. I would like to think I'm sexually intelligent. Tried a few things, and kept what worked. This was mind-blowing!!