“I don’t like blowjobs,” he stated flatly.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because they don’t feel good,” he replied.
He’s had blowjobs from several women who handled his penis roughly. Their movements were mechanical and forced, which caused his erection to wane. And so he decided that he didn’t like them.
He’s been with his current girlfriend for nearly seven years. And he’s been enduring bad blowjobs all this time. When I asked him why he wouldn’t tell her that he didn’t like it, he said: “I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
But it’s not just the blowjobs. He isn’t satisfied with their sex life in general, at least not anymore. After being together for so long, they’ve grown complacent. They don’t kiss, and there’s no foreplay. Rather than sex being something they get to do, it feels like something they have to do. He also feels like he’s always begging — for sex, attention, and time.
But he’s not willing to do anything about it.
Men are not as simple as we’ve been led to believe. They can be elusive about making requests. And shy about saying what they don’t like. They’re often reluctant to express their feelings because stringing the words together makes them uncomfortable. And just like women, they often go along to get along.
After having a gazillion conversations with penis owners and going on more dates than I can count, these are five things that men want you to know about having sex with them:
He likes foreplay, too.
Foreplay is not just for people with vulvas. Men enjoy foreplay just as much as women. I know they can be super eager sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that foreplay is not vital to them.
Remember, foreplay is e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that happens before sex. He loves it when you snuggle up behind him while he’s brushing his teeth. Open-mouth kissing makes his spine tingle. And when you rub his thigh or stroke his neck while he’s driving, that makes him hard.
Most men love being touched. It’s often their primary love language. So turn up the volume on your affection. And make sure your man’s skin doesn’t get hungry on your watch.
He needs to feel desired.
I make sure that my lover feels desired by me every single day. Not because it’s my job but because that’s how I feel. I don’t want him to wonder whether he turns me on. He’ll never have to question it because I tell him all the time.
Men have the desire to be desired; we all do. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with sex; it’s about knowing they’re wanted. Knowing that he matters and that his presence is yearned fuels him to show up in every area of his life. It lifts his mood. He gets more done. And it also makes him super eager to please you, too.
Take a few minutes to send that “you are so sexy” text. Let him know that he’s loved, appreciated, and desired by you. A little goes a long way.
He wants you to initiate sex.
For more than twenty years, my friend “Jake” had been the initiator in his marriage. “If I don’t start, nothing happens,” Jake confided. “And most of the time, she’s not into it.”
Jake admits that being turned down eventually affected his confidence in and out of the bedroom. Like a lot of men, Jake needs to feel wanted.
Then, one night, his wife surprised him. She rested her hand on his crotch while they were watching an episode of Yellowstone. That single act of initiation shifted something fundamental in their relationship.
Suddenly, Jake felt desired, something he had no clue he was missing. This one experience boosted his confidence and brought them closer. #WinWin
Most men fear rejection, mainly because they experience it so often. For them, the probability of rejection doesn’t decrease when they’re in a relationship. Because the longer a relationship lasts, the higher the possibility of rejection.
In that way, Jake’s story isn’t unique. Men, like all humans, need to be affirmed. But again, they might not know how to say it.
If you have ever experienced rejection of any kind, you know how disheartening it can be. Imagine being the one to initiate sex and being turned down more than 50% of the time. That’s gotta be hard on the self-esteem.
Take the lead and initiate sex from time to time. This will make him feel desired and take the pressure off him, too — even more than that; it’ll improve your relationship and deepen intimacy.
Intimacy is important to him.
At the risk of sounding redundant, I have to tell you again, a lot of men don’t have the language to express their desire for intimacy. Sometimes, when they ask for sex, what they want is to feel close.
They want a safe place to be vulnerable. And permission to let their guard down for a little while.
Men have been conditioned to keep their emotional needs to themselves. They’ve been taught to be rough and tough. But they have not been allowed to express insecurity, ask for comfort, or feel afraid. There are only two emotions that society has given them license to express –lust and anger.
They’re allowed to fiend for sex and be pissed off. Two channels. This or that. Incidentally, these things often cause the most significant rifts in their relationships — go figure.
The only place many men have a fighting chance of being vulnerable is their romantic connections. That’s why intimacy in relationships is so important to them.
Yes, the tide is turning. Millennials are ushering in a gender-progressive model of masculinity, which is terrific, but we’re not there yet.
In the meantime, we need to hold space for men to experience intimacy while demanding that they rise to the emotional occasion.
It can be done.
Tell him what you want.
Don’t assume he knows what you want — in fact, assume he doesn’t. That means you need to tell him — without being critical.
He’s not a mind reader. Stop expecting him to find clues or read between the lines. If you don’t tell him what you want directly, you don’t get to judge him for not getting it. The quick and easy way to get what you want is to spell it out.
“I want you to go down on me.”
“Do that again. I like that.”
“Pinch my nipples… harder.”
Give him simple and easy directions. Then it’s as good as done!
Men live for opportunities to do a good job. And they will repeat what works because that’s how they’re wired (not all men, but plenty). Giving explicit instructions allows him to follow through, and you get to be pleased. Win-win!
That whole men are from Mars thing is only half the story. The rest is they’re also from Venus. They want to be cared for and feel like they matter, just like people with vulvas. Sure, they might lack the tools to ask for what they want, but that doesn’t make it less true.
So my advice is this: center your partner’s needs the same way you want your needs to be centered. That’s what partnership is all about, right?
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