Great Sex Begins With Self-Worth
Great Sex Begins With Self-Worth
What you think about yourself matters... a lot.
Years ago, I worked with a man who was experiencing some challenges in his marriage. They’d been together for six years, married for two. His wife was nearly a decade younger, successful, and gorgeous. He was a couple of years shy of 40, Abercrombie hot, and running a profitable business. Together, they were what you might call a “power couple.”
They looked perfect on paper. But in real life, they were bickering all the time. Their sex life was stale. And he needed constant validation, which was wearing her thin.
He loved his wife and the life they shared. But he didn’t feel good enough. He worried that she wasn’t satisfied sexually, even though she always reassured him. He wondered whether she was faking orgasms. And he was beginning to have trouble maintaining his erection.
He began to question everything. What if he could no longer give her what she needed? What if she got bored? What if she left?
He convinced himself that the problem was sexual. He was sure a few tips and tricks would nip this thing in the bud, so he called me. But while the symptoms appeared to be showing up in the bedroom, the problem began long before they ever hooked up. His lack of self-worth was the culprit.
There is no shortage of sexual how-to’s.
If you’re looking for ways to enhance pleasure, increase stamina, or improve technique — Google’s got you covered. I have written plenty of articles about that stuff myself. Don’t get me wrong; these things are handy. I’m a staunch advocate for learning new things. But how-to’s are performative in nature and delivery.
A good how-to will provide step-by-step instructions that paint an obvious picture of what to do and how to do it, which is definitely useful. But it’s not enough.
Great sex is about more than technique and delivery. Naked bodies and peak arousal don’t always translate to satisfaction. It’s not that pleasure is elusive. Or that orgasms are not hard to come by. It’s much deeper than that.
Great sex begins with self-worth
What you believe about you matters. Whether you feel worthy of being treated well, feeling good, and experiencing pleasure is what makes sex great or not. Your ability and willingness to be vulnerable, which grants access to more profound pleasure, converge with your feelings of worthiness (or lack thereof).
Shame around sex and sexuality is pervasive in our culture. Most of us are still sifting through the thoughts and beliefs that inhibit our ability to open our hearts and connect with our loins. This is especially true for vulva owners and people whose sexual and gender identities deviate from heteronormative ideation.
Sexual shame is usual — unfortunately
If you feel shame around your sexual history, performance, penis size, the way your labia looks, how often you have sex, lack of desire, kinks, preferences, fantasies, your natural scent, the hair on your back, the size of your areolas, the curve of your dick, the length of your clitoris, the sag of your breasts, lack of experience, testicle size, or anything else — you’re not alone.
Feeling repulsed or embarrassed by your sexuality is typical. There is nothing wrong with you. Like so many others, myself included, your feelings about sex are the result of societal messaging.
Life is sexually transmitted
Sexual energy is potent. I would argue that it’s the most potent energy in the universe. Of course, I’m no scientist, so don’t quote me.
Sex is all around us. The birds and the bees are doing it. Lions and tigers and bears are, too. Sex is pleasurable. It’s how life is perpetuated. Sex is not just built into the grand design; it is the grand design.
I want you to know that thinking about sex does not make you a deviant. Exploring your sexuality is not disgusting. If sex is one of the ways you experience intimacy with your partner, there is nothing wrong with you. Sex between consensual adults is a beautiful thing. And it can feel ahhhmazing!
Unfortunately, people with vulvas have been taught to be ashamed of their desires. People with penises have been groomed to perform sex rather than experience it. We have collectively been coerced into believing that there’s a right and wrong way to do sex. That orgasm is confirmation that it’s been done right. Transactional sex is modeled and encouraged. And that kinky sex should be hidden and performed in a dungeon.
Of course, this is just a short list of things that maybe fucking up your sexual chi. Even more than that, these messages have hijacked your feelings of worthiness, effectively replacing them with shame.
But I say fuck that. It’s time to reclaim what’s rightfully yours — pleasure.
Self-worth is an inside job
If there were a fix-a-flat solution that would instantly make you feel worthy, I’d sell it infomercial style for $9.99 + shipping & handling. But there isn’t.
Building and repairing self-worth is a process. And while I cannot promise you’ll feel worthy in 30 days or less. I can offer you a few practical tools to help you build your sexual self-esteem, which will impact every area of your life — pinky swear.
Get mindful
Mindfulness might seem like a difficult concept to grasp at first. Meditation is one of the most popular ways to cultivate mindfulness, but it’s not the only way.
For me, mindfulness is bringing awareness to the present and taking in your environment through all your senses. When you are in the present moment, there is no need to worry about what just happened or to be stressed about what might happen. Because all there is NOW.
Try this: Close your eyes for a moment. Take three deep breaths, in and out, through your nose. What sounds do you hear? Do you feel any sensation in your body? Is the air chilly or warm? Now, open your eyes. What do you see? Is there anything in particular that captures your attention? Are you feeling distracted or agitated? If so, observe that without judgment and bring your attention back into the room.
It can be that simple. Mindfulness doesn’t have to take up a lot of time. The more often you do it, the more second nature it will become.
The purpose of mindfulness is to bring you into your body and out of your head. Observing yourself and your environment will provide greater access to your emotions and the sensations they create in your body. Consequently, mindfulness makes sex better because you can feel more.
Stop comparing yourself
Measuring yourself against other people is a surefire way to get stuck in a loop of unworthiness. Looking into the window of someone else’s life might seem appealing. From the outside, their life might look pretty damn good. But looks are often deceiving.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt
There is no one else like you. That means the only person you can accurately compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.
Whatever story you make up about someone else’s life is a myth. Because unless you’ve lived it, you can never truly know. And that’s a fact.
So whether you are comparing yourself (or your sex life) to your best friend or a pornstar — it’s a waste of time. Rather than romanticizing someone else’s life, appreciate the life you have, notice the things you’d like to shift, and take action.
Get intimate with you
Being intimate with yourself is more than waking up in your skin day in and day out. Self-intimacy requires vulnerability. You must be willing to ask yourself hard and sometimes embarrassing questions. Exploring your shadow and questioning what you uncover.
It’s about looking at yourself in the mirror, not to pick yourself apart, but to admire. Touching your skin with the same love and care that you would offer your lover. Breathing on purpose. Self-pleasure that leads to self-discovery. Distraction-free meals. Quieting your inner critic. Celebrating your successes. Cultivating awareness.
It’s about discovering and naming your wants, needs, and desires. What turns you on? What turns you off? Why do you want what you want? What’s underneath your desire? And most importantly, accepting what you find without judgment or condemnation.
Becoming intimate with yourself is often more daunting than being intimate with someone else. But braving the discomfort is worth it.
Granting yourself permission, time, and space to be alone with you validates your worth. It sends a clear message to yourself that says, “I’m valuable.”
Sexual Education
The best way to build your sexual confidence is to learn — continuously. After all, knowledge is emPOWERing. It’s never too late to learn, and you’ll never know all there is to know.
You should be as curious about sex as you are about anything else. It’s like learning a trade. Plus, sexual skills are transferrable!
Learning how to express yourself sexually will allow you to communicate more effectively outside of the bedroom. Mastering the art of sexual consent makes it easier to honor and respect boundaries in general. Developing and honing your sexual skill set will boost your self-esteem.
As an adult, sexual education goes beyond how to put on a condom correctly. It’s about more than STI and pregnancy prevention. Sex ed is about variety, approach, and delivery. It’s about touch and sensation. The thin line between pain and pleasure. Anatomy, pornography, pegging, bondage, spanking, anal play, and the broad spectrum of vanilla sex.
What are you curious about? What’s your fantasy? Do you like toys? What kind? Do you like it rough or gentle?
Learning about sex makes for positive sexual experiences because knowing makes doing easier.
As I said earlier, cultivating self-worth is a practice. Shifting your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs will take time. The suggestions mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg. Be consistent. Hold no opinions. Be patient with the process.
And know this…
You are worthy, valuable, and lovable. And you deserve to have a healthy, fulfilling sex life. Complete with a partner(s) that appreciates every facet of you.
Originally published on Medium
