How Come We Never Talk About the Emotional Labor It Takes to Have Really Great Sex?

If you want to have enjoyable, fulfilling, and memorable sex — you gotta do the work.

Photo by Dean Mitchell from Getty Images via CanvaPro

I recently took a stroll down memory lane with my lover. We reminisced about the first time we had sex.

It was a balmy day in May, and we had plans to meet at a new swanky hotel in El Segundo that evening. I remember it like it was yesterday.

During a telephone call earlier that afternoon, I confessed that I was nervous about being together for the first time. "I know you've googled me, so you know that I am who I say I am," he reassured.

Then he told me a story he'd read about a celebrity who had firm boundaries around who they welcomed into their home, "you aren't welcome unless you have something to lose." In other words, he had as much, if not more, skin in the game as I did. He wanted me to know that if things didn't work out between us, I could leave with my dignity intact.

It was a comforting thought and one that I took to heart when I stepped through the door of the hotel that evening. We both knew what we were getting into, we were aware of the risks and consequences. But we were also confident that whatever happened, there was mutual respect and admiration between us.

He arrived first with snacks, tools for ambiance, and an open heart. I arrived shortly after, taking in the sight of him and my newfound courage as I ambled into his arms.

He drew me into his chest, enveloping my full figure in the comfort of his warmth. He kissed my forehead, and all the fear, reservation, and doubt started melting away.

My heart slowed to a peaceful cadence as I inhaled his scent —a mixture of vetiver and something sweet. His hands trembled slightly as he caressed my skin, a tangible reminder that we were both filled with anticipation.

The comfort of his embrace stilled my racing mind and softened my body. My nervousness had all but evaporated when he looked into my eyes and asked, "may I undress you?"