Balancing Safety and Pleasure in Sexual Relationships
Balancing Safety and Pleasure in Sexual Relationships
Here are five ways to find the sweet spot.
Sexual relationships can be thrilling –sometimes.
Passion. Exploration. Desire. Excitement… yes, and more please!
Here’s the thing: pleasure can’t happen unless you feel safe.
We all want to have a good time. We want to make sure that our well-being is prioritized, and we want to ensure that our partner feels safe and comfortable, too.
But many of us have been conditioned to believe that safety is the ultimate buzzkill, so we’re often inclined to glaze over it or skip it altogether.
Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
I know you’ve taken sexual risks and liberties in the past that had you over there, crossing your fingers and praying to Aphrodite (or the goddess of your choice) that things didn’t go left.
I see all you bareback one-night-standers! 😉
No shade. I've been there and done that, too.
But we’re all friends here, and our game has no shame.
So, in the spirit of knowing better and doing better, I offer you five ways to find the sweet spot between safety and pleasure:
1. Communication
You’ve heard this all before, but I will repeat it ad nauseam because it will never not be true (double negative be damned)— communication is key!
Using your words is the secret language that unlocks the door to mutual satisfaction, pleasurable fulfillment, and comfort-infused safety.
Talk openly with your partner about boundaries, desires, and concerns.
Be honest about what makes you feel safe and what drives you effing crazy.
Communication isn't just limited to pre-game discussions; it's an ongoing dialogue that evolves and adapts through the night or a lifetime if that’s the type of time you’re on.
Never stop using your words.
Keep the lines wide open.
And let your freak flag fly high!
2. Consent
Consent is a superpower. Period, point blank.
Consent can transform a potentially uncomfortable situation into a mutually agreeably pleasurable experience.
Seek enthusiastic consent. Make sure that all parties actively and eagerly agree to engage in every aspect of whatever is being served at the sex buffet.
Consent should be ongoing, enthusiastic, and coercion-free.
Remember, consent is sexy AF!
So, ask, listen, and respect each other's boundaries.
Make “if it’s not a hell, yes, it’s a no” your mantra.
3. Protection
Safety first —applies to using heavy equipment and fucking too.
Protect yourself. Protect your partner. Use barriers (condoms, dental dams, etc.) unless otherwise discussed.
And if you’re still able to make babies —don’t forget the birth control! If pregnancy is a concern for you, explore reliable contraceptive methods that allow you to fully explore while minimizing the reproductive risks.
Pleasure and safety are bosom buddies.
Keep your coffers stocked with whatever you need to be as worry-free and satisfied as possible.
4. Educate Yourself
If you think safety is sexy —knowledge is sexy on steroids!
Educate yourself about sexual health, STIs, contraceptive options, and the diverse spectrum of pleasure.
Keep your finger on the pulse of best practices, misconceptions, and the ever-evolving landscape of research.
Hear me when I say you will never ever ever never ever know all there is to know about sex.
You will never ever ever never ever acquire all the sexual skills.
Maintaining a beginner’s mind empowers you to make informed choices, play safely, and feel extraordinary while you’re doing it.
So, if you need to subscribe to Beducated or OMGYes, push the button.
And there are plenty of excellent, intelligent, sexy Substacks around these parts. Here are a few of my faves:
Let wisdom be the fuel for unforgettable encounters and wet spots for years to cum. See what I did there? 😜
5. Mutual Respect
Respect is number five, but make no mistake; it should always be front of mind, all the time. (yes, I know, I got bars)
Mutual respect is adhesive; it’s the sticky sweetness that binds pleasure and safety in holy matress-mony.
Respect your no’s, yes’s, and not just yet’s.
Respect your partner(s) boundaries, desires, and limits.
Respect the vulnerability, transparency, and authenticity that all parties bring to the table.
Treat one another with kindness and consideration, in and out of the bedroom, whether you’re wearing clothes or not.
Your comfort levels may differ, and that’s okay. Lean into compromise. Commit to navigating the full gambit of the pleasurescape —together.
The goal is to create an inner and outer environment where pleasure and safety go together, like peanut butter and jelly.
Good sex is and always will be collaborative.
Finding the right balance of safety and pleasure takes willingness, time, and patience.
But if you embrace these practices, deliciousness is almost guaranteed.
Because let’s face it, the best sex happens when our basic needs are met… and feeling safe is the most basic of all the needs.
And I’d bet good money that feeling good is a pretty close second, assuming that water, food, air, and shelter are a given, of course.
I want you to have toe-curling sex. The kind that leaves you breathless and smiling from ear to ear!
Think of the five things I mentioned as building blocks on the road to mo’ better.
You’re welcome. 😉