How to Keep Your Sex Life Alive When You're Too Tired For Sex

A few tips to get you and your boo through the ebb.

Jul 25, 2023

Many years ago, I was suffering from extreme anemia. It was so bad that I fell asleep at a stoplight with my eyes open… twice. Yes, it was as scary as it sounds. I was exhausted 24/7, regardless of how early I went to bed or how long I slept.

Consequently, my sex life dried up like a puddle of water in the Sahara in the middle of July. I was in a constant state of fatigue. Too tired for foreplay, and the very thought of sex left me completely drained. My partner at the time was working crazy hours, so sex wasn’t exactly high on his priority list either.

Thankfully, the dry spell was temporary, although 18 months isn’t exactly brief. But it was long enough for me to worry that my libido would never return or that my orgasm would be out-of-order for all eternity. Don’t judge me for being a smidge dramatic, but sex is important to me.

While I haven’t had a sexual ebb of that magnitude since, I still experience occasional drops in my energy that cause disruptions in my sexual flow.

Life is always happening.

Sometimes, it’s happening so fast that you don’t have time to pause and catch your breath. In all honesty, sex can be a lot of work sometimes. Which is why it’s often the number one thing on your “Stop Doing” list.

But fear not. Not having sex isn’t always a symptom of relational discord. Sometimes you’re just effing tired! The human body is not like Wi-Fi; you do not have endless bandwidth. And when your energy reserves get low, you conserve energy when and how you can.

If you are in a relationship where sex is on pause, know that you’re normal.

And trust me; you’re not alone. Been there — done that.

So what do you do when you’re both too tired to have sex? The short answer is you don’t have sex. Sounds too simple, yes?

But what if sex is important to both of you, and you are afraid of losing the connection? Every situation is different, but here are a few suggestions that might get you through the lull:

Try morning sex

There is nothing like sex for breakfast. I mean, it’s just a great way to start the day. Not to mention, bodies (of all genders) tend to be more primed for sex in the a.m. — think morning wood or nocturnal clitoral tumescence if you’re a vulva owner. Of course, a sunrise stiffy (penis or clitoris) is not always proof of arousal, but it can serve as an expressway to destination turn-on.

Sex in the morning also puts you in a better mood because sex is a stress reliever. And, of course, how you start the day often sets the tone for how the rest of the day will play out. In other words, breakfast sex will make you impervious to many of the trivial things that tend to ruffle your feathers. You’ll be more productive, and it boosts your immune system, too!

So, if you find that you’re sometimes too tired to get busy at the end of the day, see if mornings feel better. It’s a great way to break up the routine and get some sexy time before the grind. And if your weekday mornings are already jam-packed, Sunday mornings are a great alternative. Just saying.

Keep the conversation going

Couples who communicate well have more robust connections. I should add that good communication does not mean agreeing all the time. I’m talking about having the ability to fully express yourself in the company of your partner. Talking to, and not at, one another. Listen for understanding rather than waiting for your turn to speak.

While sex is one of the ways that couples communicate, it can sometimes be an excuse not to talk. So, if you’re tired, why not have a conversation instead?

It doesn’t have to be heavy. You don’t have to make talking about hashing out all the challenges in the relationship. Instead, see it as a way to show your partner that you are interested and still find them interesting.

You can also use this time to go future trippin’. Talk about the things you would like to share and experience. Make a list of sex positions you’d like to try. Revisit the yes/no/maybe list. Plan a weekend getaway.

Getting comfortable having everyday conversations will reinforce your friendship. Because friends share things, right? So when the time comes when one or both of you need to communicate and express wants and needs, you’ll have already laid the foundation.

Lazy sex isn’t a bad thing

Especially if that’s not the norm. And also because sex does not always have to be a super involved, high-energy production.

Slow, low-energy sex can be pleasurable and intimate —and yes, you can still cum, but it’s not required.

Choose a position that affords comfort and pleasure. Spooning is a low-impact position, which is helpful if one or both of you are not just tired but also sleepy. When your bodies are pressed snuggly against one another (comfort), the emotional connection is more powerful, which, of course, increases arousal.

Take your time — there is no rush. And remember, good sex does not require climax. You can simply stop sex and move into a good aftercare snuggle whenever you both feel ready. Because when there is no performance, there is no finish line.

Non-sexual intimacy is your friend

Sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. Yes, sex is one kind of intimacy, but when you’re tired, it may not be what you need — and that’s okay.

You can still experience the benefits of intimacy without having sex. And if you’re both tired, non-sexual intimacy might be precisely what the doctor ordered.

Don’t underestimate the power of skin-to-skin contact. Hugs and kisses, after a long day, can be a godsend. Being able to touch one another just because and with no pretense will make sex more delicious when it does happen. But in the meantime, enjoy cuddles often. Kiss like you mean it. Hold hands in the kitchen. And embrace one another because you can.

Low energy — big impact.

Solo sex for two? Yes, please

Solo sex does not have to be solo all the time. And partnered sex does not have to include touching. Do you see where I’m going with this? Mutual masturbation is the bridge between solo sex and partnered sex — and it can be very HOT.

As a bonus, mutual masturbation is a great way to learn what your partner likes. No one is more qualified to teach you how to please your partner than your partner. Masturbating together is like a real-time tutorial. Think of it as How to Please Me 101.

However, mutual masturbation requires a high level of vulnerability, which may be uncomfortable initially. But like I always say, practice makes better. And because intimacy does not exist without vulnerability, self-pleasuring together could reinforce your connection in ways you cannot imagine. And, of course, masturbation requires less energy than sex, so there’s that.

Make peace with the ebb

Obligatory sex is good for no one. So try not to fall into the habit of having sex just because you haven’t had sex. There will be times when one or both of you are tired, stressed, or just preoccupied. Sexless seasons are par for the course, so make peace with that.

It’s great to have an awareness of shifts in frequency and desire. But if you focus on it too much, sex can start to feel like a chore, and you don’t want that.

Having a dip in sexual frequency does not mean that your sex life is over. So make sure that neither of you is telling that story. If sex is important (to both of you), the natural rhythm will return — when it’s time.