How to Talk to Your Partner About Being a Better Lover
Practical tips and scripts for "touchy" conversations.
Greg and I have been friends for years. There has always been chemistry between us, and yes, we’ve had sex. But our relationship has never been romantic in the traditional sense. It’s both of our faults, for different reasons.
Greg thinks I am complicated. By that, he means I don’t fall for his usual wooing tactics. He’s used to women swooning all over him. But that’s not my way. And I think that’s one of the things he likes about me.
I love Greg. And I have for as long as I can remember. On paper, he would make a great partner. He inspires me. No matter what life throws at him, he never flinches. And he’s terrific at a lot of things. Except for one — he’s terrible in bed.
Years ago, Greg called and asked to see me. The tone of his voice was syrupy and sweet with desire. He said, “when are we going to hang out?” But what he meant was, “when can I get some?”
I told him that my schedule was full in the coming weeks, which was valid at the time. I was also relieved because that meant that I didn’t have to let him down easy, again. Or deal with his disappointment.
Because the truth is, I am too old for bad sex.
You might be wondering why I thought the sex was terrible. To be blunt, Greg is a pillow prince. He enjoys being pleased but is a minimalist when it comes to pleasing others. All take, no give.
It’s a shame because he checks all the boxes except this one. For the record, bad sex is not a deal-breaker for me. But being unwilling to do better is.
I am confident that Greg was capable of doing better. But his ego would not allow him to. So my attempts to discuss how to please me fell on deaf ears. Because he was experiencing pleasure, he could not wrap his head around the fact that I wasn’t.
“The best bed partners are willing to learn.”
Your ego does not have a seat at the table of pleasure. So if you’re too stubborn or fragile to listen like Greg, stop.
Being a better lover serves your best interest.
Upleveling your sex game means more satisfying sex for you and your partner(s).
And if you are (or have been) on the receiving end of unsatisfying sex, keep reading.
How to talk to your partner about being a better lover:
Preparing for the talk
Let’s face it, telling a partner that you’re not sexually satisfied is not easy. You don’t want to hurt their feelings. Or come off as insensitive. You also don’t want the conversation to soil the best parts of the relationship.
Before you can initiate the conversation, you need to prepare yourself.
Intention — what’s your end game? In other words, what do you hope to achieve by having this conversation? Knowing what you want to accomplish will make things more manageable.
Neutralize Your Mood — it’s okay to be nervous going into the conversation. But it’s not okay to be angry or irritated. I understand that a lack of satisfaction may be frustrating. But you need to set that aside. It’s best to approach the conversation from a neutral non-accusatory space.
No Blaming or Shaming — this is not a them problem or a you problem. It’s a we problem. The blame game is not constructive, and shame will not produce a positive result. Remember, you’re on the same team. You both want the same thing — pleasure.
Give your partner the heads up
Now that you’re ready for the conversation, you need to make sure your partner is too.
Blindsiding someone with a potentially uncomfortable conversation is terrible form. And giving fair warning will work in your favor.
You can say something like, “I have been thinking about sex a lot lately. And there are something’s I’d like to share with you.”
You can invite your partner to the conversation by sharing an article or story similar to what you want to discuss. “Hey, I read a great article about cunnilingus the other day. I’d love it if you read it too, so we can talk about it. Here’s the link.”
Make it sexy
Remember, this is a conversation about sex. So make it hot!
Open the conversation with a slow sensual kiss. Kissing your partner will show your desire and help you both to relax.
Turning up the sexual energy will decrease the odds of your partner feeling criticized or attacked. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about reminding your partner that you find them attractive.
Make requests, not demands
A request is different than a demand.
A demand is a requirement(s) that is energized by entitlement. Demands are insistent and pressing. Unmet demands often lead to punishment. This is not what you’re going for.
Requests, on the other hand, are fueled by reason. They are considerate and polite. A proper request leaves room for negotiation. And does not penalize the recipient if they disagree. This is the sweet spot.
Now let’s get to the good part. Here are a few “sample deliveries,” that I have personally tried and tested with great success:
The Love Sandwich
Opening and closing the conversation with a statement of love/appreciation/affection is always a good idea. We, humans, are more receptive when we feel affirmed.
Sweet words make us feel like we matter. And that’s how you want your partner to feel. Because if they didn’t matter, you wouldn’t bother, right?
So here’s a script for the perfect love sandwich:
“Have I told you how much I love kissing you lately? You are an incredible kisser. The way you dip your tongue in and out of my mouth. And that thing you do where you nibble my bottom lip, drives me wild!
How would you feel about spending more time making out? You turn me on so much already, and I’d like to be even more aroused before being penetrated. I want to be so engorged that I ache to feel you inside me. You know what they say, good things cum to those who wait.
I am getting turned on right now just thinking about feeling your delicious body pressed against mine. Mmmmm….”
Open with a loving compliment. Insert your request, which feels more like an invitation, in the middle. Close with a reminder of how much you desire your partner.
Mission accomplished.
Straight Shot
If you’re the cut-to-the-chase type, that’s cool. But please be tactful.
If your words feel chilly or unkind, your partner will shut down. You want to be direct and thoughtful.
Your goal is to get your point across in a way that will encourage responsiveness. When you shoot straight, sexy is your best angle.
Try this:
“I want you to fuck me like I stole something! Make my legs so weak that I can barely stand tomorrow. I want to feel the ache of your absence between my legs. I want to have flashbacks of you pounding into me all day long. Leave me wanting more. Can you do that for me, baby?”
Let them know how much you want it. Be explicit. Tell em’ precisely what you want them to do and how you want to feel after.
Done, done, and done.
Show and Tell
Nothing is better than a good old-fashioned demonstration. And who can teach someone how to please you better than you? That’s right, no one.
You know what you need. That means you can show your partner how to give it to you.
How about this?
“There is a spot that I can’t seem to reach on my own. May I borrow your hand for a moment?
Place your thumb inside of me so that the butt of your hand is pressed against my clitoris. Yes, just like that. It’s okay to relax your hand. I am going to squeeze my thighs together for added pressure. Let me know if it gets uncomfortable, okay. Oh, yes… you’re doing a great job! That feels heavenly.”
It’s okay to be bawdy; it’s a turn-on. And there’s no shame in asking for help. Then show your lover exactly how to help you.
Easy-peasy!
Talking about your sex life may be awkward at first. But like I always say, practice makes better. Your partner wants to please you. Because your pleasure is their success, no matter how long you’ve been together, there will always be more to learn about one another.
Opening up to these types of conversations will increase pleasure for both of you. Guaranteed 😉
Good tips. I'm ending a long marriage (23 yrs) but in the beginning, we were more open to suggestions. Later, if a suggestion was made, it became an accusation of infidelity. I always enjoyed my sex life with my husband. We both agreed that if our entire relationship could've just remained in the bedroom, we would still be happily married! Thank you Stacey. More people need to read your work!