When She Leaves Her Body During Sex, Invite Her Back
Vulnerability is the most important tool in your sexual toolbox.
We’d just finished a short hike near the ocean. The sun was less than an hour away from making its descent beneath the horizon line. Pink and orange clouds streaked the sky.
The breeze prickled the moisture on my brow. He held my hand as I maneuvered the downhill slope. As we slowly made our way to the flatland.
He began to share a story about a troubling experience that he had with a woman he’s been sleeping with.
“I like her as a person, but I don’t really enjoy having sex with her. Because it takes her too long to have an orgasm if she cums at all,” he said
“Does she get close? Like almost there… almost there… lost it kinda thing?” I asked
“Exactly!” he exclaimed
“Well, there’s the problem. It’s not that it takes her a long time, it’s just that she keeps leaving the room whenever she gets close. Your job is to keep her in the land of the present. Help her stay in the room!”
“Hmmm. She said I’m one of the few men who’s patient enough to take her there, that’s why she likes fucking me. But I have to tell you, it’s exhausting! Sometimes it’s hard to tell if she’s even enjoying herself at all.”
“She starts holding her breath. And she may also be used to numbing out. So when she gets close to orgasm, her entire body gets overwhelmed by sensation. Her instinct is to resist the edge, not to go over it. That’s why she appears to lose it when she’s almost there.” I said
“Well, I’m feeling kinda done,” he confessed.
“No, you can’t give up. This is a golden opportunity!” I said, “I know you, and I know that you are always paying attention. So when you see and feel her leaving, that’s when you say, ‘where did you go?’”
His eyes brightened as he listened intently.
“Where did you go, come back. Place your breath and attention where you feel the sensation. Be where pleasure is happening. Stay there with me…” I said
There it was….the moment of recognition.
At that moment, he became aware that the experience could be different.
Richer and more textured. Without pause or delay. Pleasure does not have to be forfeited. In fact, it could be enhanced. All he had to do was help her to stay in the room. But that also meant that he had to be there with her.
All the good stuff happens in the room.
Intimacy. Awareness. Inspiration.
Once he shifted his perspective from a “her” problem to a “we” problem, he realized that there was actually no problem.
The real issue was her vulnerability made him feel vulnerable. Because what if he couldn’t fix it? What would happen if he couldn’t take her there the next time?
Vulnerability is the most important tool in your sexual toolbox.
It is hard to be present without a willingness to be vulnerable. But vulnerability is hard! It means giving someone else access to your squishy parts.
It’s like waving your arms erratically at a charging bull. Or going skinny dipping in the Arctic. Being vulnerable means intentionally putting your heart in harm's way.
I know this all sounds like the opposite of sexy.
But let me tell you what’s more unsexy than the possibility of being stampeded by a herd of elephants—feeling like you’ve been evicted from your own body in the middle of sex. Closing your eyes and transporting yourself to the land of anywhere but here.
That’s unsexy.
If you’re having the kind of sex that makes you leave your body. Something has got to change. And that something is you.
Maybe that looks like choosing a different partner. Or having a different kind of sex with a partner you already have.
I have a theory that your instincts will tell you to disbelieve. But I believe it’s true. Consensual sex, regardless of the person or level of skill, can be good if you are present for it.
For facts.
It does not matter if the person is good in bed. Whether they have zero experience or years of real-time sex education, it matters not if this is a forever partner or someone you met 5 minutes prior. If you are present, meaning you are there in mind and body, you can have good sex.
We have grown accustomed to leaving the room.
Time-traveling outside of our experiences has become the norm. We give our attention to what just happened or what we think is about to happen, but rarely to what’s happening now.
We have been conditioned to measure pleasure by whether orgasm is achieved (real or fake).
But I want to invite you back into the room…
Rather than focusing on sexual performance, design sensual experiences.
Make pleasure the matrix for enjoyment instead of orgasm.
Use curiosity to create more intimacy.
Gift your partner with the experience of being seen as a three-dimensional person rather than a two-dimensional object.
But most importantly, be willing to show up as your whole flawed self. Don’t be afraid to say you don’t know. Be willing to ask your partner for direction.
Instead of poking around trying to find the hole, ask your partner to guide you. Trust me; it’s their body, they know the way.
Why endure a bad blowjob when you can give instructions? Who knows what you like better than you? Here’s a hint… no one.
Admitting what you don’t know feels vulnerable, whether you’re in the bedroom or the boardroom. But your willingness to ask and offer help is sexier than you think.
Sex is a skill. That means that you will never know all there is to know. Because bodies, environments, and conditions change. That means you must be adaptable.
Practice makes better.
That was awesome. I used to be shy about asking for what I like in the bedroom. That was the young, naive me. This new and improved mature version doesn't mind guiding and directing if I have to. LOL!