Many moons ago, I ran a coaching program.
There were five participants, plus me.
Four of the five tested positive for genital herpes, plus me.
That’s five out of six.
The statistics in the general population are similar.
Approximately 3.7 billion people under 50 have HSV-1. That’s roughly two-thirds of the population.
Another 520 million have HSV-2.
Just so we’re clear, these numbers are conservative.
Combined, we are talking about more than 846 million people (1 in 5 adults) living with genital herpes, and those are just the ones we know about.
There are an estimated 42 million new genital herpes infections every year, which is about one every single second, BTW.
The math does not match the panic.
So why does a virus that most people already have cause shame?
Our Contentious Relationship with Sexuality
Here in America, sex feels like one of our primary exports.
Movies. Music. Books. Sex sells —everything.
Nearly naked bodies on billboards, in commercials, and irrelevantly in action movies. We are totally obsessed with sex as a concept. As entertainment. As aesthetic.
But when it comes to having sex, particularly for no other reason but pleasure, all of a sudden, we’re puritans.
A provocative, yet morally punitive culture. So freaking weird.
We are subliminally encouraged to look, listen, and think about it, but then judged for doing the deed.
That’s the reason herpes conjures such shame. Not oral herpes as much. But genital herpes is the Scarlet Letter. Proof that you’ve been licking, fucking, sucking, or fondling.
Consider the pearls clutched and the panties bunched.
The Cold Sore Hypocrisy
I had a friend who got cold sores. She didn’t appear to harbor any shame. In fact, she was pretty blasé about it. But she got super defensive when I talked openly about genital herpes.
“I feel some kinda way about you normalizing it,” she said.
My response? “I’m not normalizing it… IT IS NORMAL!”
When I asked her whether she disclosed her status before kissing or going down on a new partner, she said, “No.”
She insisted that “cold sores are different.” But they’re not.
HSV-1 (the virus that typically causes cold sores) can absolutely show up on genitals.
HSV-2 (commonly associated with genital herpes) can show up on the mouth.
The virus doesn’t give a flip-flop where it lands.
And yes, you can transmit herpes to someone’s genitals if you get cold sores.
But because herpes on the mouth is not concrete evidence of debauchery, we treat it differently.
Same virus. Different locale. Completely different meaning and response.
So freaking weird.
Mouth vs. Genitals
Cold sores are treated as a minor, albeit unsightly, inconvenience.
“Oh, I get those sometimes.”
No disclosure. No panic. No identity crisis.
But genital herpes? Now, that’s a horse of a different color (but is it?).
Horror. Shame. Full on panic.
So what’s the difference, you ask?
It’s not medical.
It’s moral.
Some people contract mouth herpes as a kid. Maybe from sharing a drink or a kiss from a grown-up. Not your fault.
But again, genital herpes is proof of sex. Evidence that you’ve been doing the freaking sneaky.
How it’s perceived is based on how you got it, not what it is.
What This Says About Us
The stigma isn’t about health. It’s about control.
We’ve been doing this for centuries. Want my unsubstantiated opinion? This sanctimonious attitude can probably be traced back to the Romans. And trust me when I say, they DO NOT want you out here doing as the Romans did.
Sex has to have consequences. It has to cost, especially when it’s for pleasure, not procreation.
Herpes becomes another way to separate the good folks from the bad lot. Another scarlet letter to pin on people who are just… fucking to fuck. Which is how most of us got here, BTW.
We stopped begetting eons ago. Science confirms that life is still sexually transmitted (that means it’s true, right?). We know sex isn’t just for making babies, especially at this big ol’ age. But we act like it should be.
We are supposed to be liberated. Open. Progressive. Right-acting, but left-leaning. See what I did there? About everything… well, maybe not everything, but most things —except sex.
Herpes is the perfect scapegoat.
Common enough that everybody and their mama could have it. Permanent enough that it comes with unlimited refills. The morality police get endless fodder.
So fucking weird.
The Boring Truth
Herpes is a skin condition.
That’s it.
That’s all.
It’s manageable. Most people don’t even know they have it. That’s why they don’t typically test for it. But that’s a post for another day.
Outbreaks typically get less frequent over time. It’s not life-threatening. Generally, it doesn’t impact overall health.
Really not a big deal. The only reason we make it one is because we’ve been sold the idea that it should be.
People spiral when they get diagnosed because genital herpes has been loaded with a moral weight that has nothing to do with the actual diagnosis.
What Would Happen If…
Imagine how different it would be if talking about herpes were boring.
I get outbreaks sometimes. Here’s what that means for us.
Practical. Snoozy. Shameless.
No judgment. Just information.
What if herpes were as unremarkable as being lactose intolerant? Or having a hangnail? Or seasonal allergies?
Had some dairy, might have gas.
Gotta hangnail, so I’ll keep my fingers away from your tender bits.
This pollen got me fucked up. So kissing is off the table for tonight.
Like Lauren Hill said, “... it could all be so simple.”
But we aren’t there yet.
As it stands…
If you test positive for herpes, and telling someone still gives you the heebie jeebies, don’t fret.
I wrote a tiny book to make disclosure easier. Check it out. ↓
In a perfect world, herpes, regardless of the location, would be shameless. But we’re not there yet. Until then, I wrote the book to make dealing a little bit easier.
Happy Herpes Awareness Day.