Why Boring Porn Is Better for Your Sex Life
Why Boring Porn Is Better for Your Sex Life
For best results stick with the amateur variety.
I am an advocate of sexual autonomy. There is no single standard for sexuality. There is no right way to do sex or be sexual. You like what you like, and you should indulge in the kind of sex that you enjoy, solo or partnered. As long as it’s consensual, I say — have at it!
I am also pro-porn. Pornography can be a unique sexual accessory. Porn is like a visual aid that helps to cultivate arousal. Porn can also be a classroom where some folks go for a crash course in sex ed. While you can’t count on porn for appropriate terminology or the proper physiological usage of body parts, you can get the gist of how things work.
But porn is also a source of angst for a lot of people. I’m sure you’ve heard or read stories about relationships that were torn apart by “porn addiction,” and the emotional devastation it leaves in its wake.
I am aware that porn usage is more prevalent in people with penises. Thanks to the internet, this is changing; people with vulvas are consuming plenty of porn these days too.
But it seems that vulva owners experience sexual content differently than penis owners. This may explain why a 2017 study found that “pornography use was connected to lower satisfaction with sexual variety and satisfaction with time spent on intercourse, but only for men.”
As a penis lover, I am not here to shame or blame penis owners for exploring sexual gratification through the use of porn. I am, however, here to offer a different perspective.
What if porn in and of itself is not a problem?
What if it’s not about viewing frequency and masturbation?
What if there is a happy medium where a porn lover can get their fix and still have a healthy sex life with their partner?
This may sound unconventional but stick with me.
Dopamine and overstimulation.
Over the years, I have had a couple of clients who were in relationships with partners who could not achieve or maintain an erection during intercourse. But their penises appeared to be rock hard and ready to perform during masturbation.
Naturally, my clients took this personally, assuming that their partner’s situational erectile dysfunction was proof that they were no longer attractive.
In both cases, their partners watched a significant amount of porn. Their brains had grown accustomed to experiencing high levels of intense arousal over a substantial amount of time. The dopamine high was real. And like most people who enjoy porn, they probably didn’t stop at one video.
So let’s assume they watch two or three videos in succession, different varieties, but each very exciting. That means in a single sit, their brains are incredibly stimulated, dopamine is coursing through their veins, and their arousal is through the roof.
Let’s also assume that they entertained themselves at the porn buffet several times a week. What do you think happened when they attempted to have sex in real life?
Maybe they had trouble focusing, their erections waned, and they became frustrated to the point of giving up. Their brains had grown accustomed to being washed in a dopamine bath during extended periods of overstimulation for so long that they needed that level of stimulus to become fully aroused.
Staged Sex vs. Real-Life Sex
On the surface, this appears to be a physiological problem. But the truth is, their brains were having trouble differentiating fact from fiction.
While watching sex, the body responds in the same way it does during an actual sexual experience. Arousal is a physiological response to stimuli, real or perceived. So if someone is watching porn regularly, it may become increasingly difficult to become aroused with their partners. This phenomenon often leads to sexual anxiety and agitation.
In short, a brain on porn finds sex in real life dissatisfying. Which has nothing to do with love, but over time lack of interest will erode even the best relationship.
Amateur porn could be a happy medium.
That’s where my unconventional idea comes in. See, I believe that the problem is not porn in and of itself but the type of porn because all porn is not created equal.
I theorize that the brain may respond to amateur porn differently. Why? Because the people in amateur porn are ordinary people with imperfect bodies and average sexual skills. Most amateur porn isn’t enhanced by stage lights and camera angles.
In nonprofessional porn, asses sag and tits swing. Vaginas aren’t always sloppy wet, and sometimes they don’t squirt. Penises vary in both length and girth. And sometimes, erections go on strike. But they also depict one or more people experiencing desire at various stages with flawed delivery.
Amateur porn is closer to sex in real life. That means you can have the pleasure of porn without the dopamine overload and overstimulation that come with watching studio porn.
Less consumption can work too.
Don’t get me wrong; going on a porn diet can be useful. Scaling back can be a very effective way to recalibrate the brain.
“If porn isn’t available, most men will start to masturbate to images of their own girlfriends and wives rather than women online…That can make them feel closer to their partners, which in turn may increase their libidos.” — Dr. Ian Kerner, sex therapist
And then there’s my personal favorite, audio porn, which is deliciously stimulating sans the visuals. So you get the arousal of traditional porn with full use of your own imagination — trust me, it’s hot.
Either way, it’s worth the effort to do what you can to work out a way to prioritize your pleasure and maintain an intimate connection with your partner(s).
I should warn, this entire post is based on my non-sexpert opinion. But if you or your partner are in a tug-o-war with porn consumption and decreased arousal during sex in real life, experiment with amateur porn and see what happens. Or if a porn detox seems like the better option, do that.
Either way, I just want you to enjoy consensual, non-virtual sex as often as possible. I want you to experience the delights of skin-to-skin contact with someone who enjoys being naked with you. And if that’s what you want for yourself, then you should have it.
Happy humping!
Originally published in Sex in Real Life —Medium on July 3, 2020
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