Age Is Just a Number: Shifting Your Mindset to Enjoy Sex over 35

Yes, good sex is still available well into advance age.

Photo Credit: Jacob Lund via Canva Pro

One of my dearest friends is a septuagenarian. He lives a fairly active life, doing work that he loves and enjoying the fruits of his labor. However, when it comes to sex, he can be a tad, how can I say — pessimistic.

It’s not that he can’t have a pleasurable sex life if he really wanted to. His mouth says that that’s what he desires. But when it comes down to it, he can’t stop time-traveling. He seems to be stuck in 1973.

Don’t laugh because you’re not much different than my friend. You may be younger or a teensy bit older, but I’m willing to bet good money that you find yourself time-traveling too.

The thing is, we all learn about sex while inhabiting the body of a young person. And for some reason, we never stop seeing ourselves that way.

Just like the average 35+ adult, you unconsciously expect to have the kind of sex that you had when you were young. You want to have boundless energy and run on the fumes of 15 minutes of sleep.

You imagine yourself as a sexual gymnast — doing all kinds of tricks and contorting your body into unimaginable positions. You want to be like the Energizer Bunny and keep going and going and going.

You want to turn heads and see the lust in the eyes of strangers. You want to have the kind of sex that just happens. Sex that’s driven by a primal urge and not bogged down by responsibilities or time constraints. Sex that makes your heart swell and your loins ache. That amateur porn kind of sex you can’t stop watching on Porn Hub.

Trouble is the body you envision no longer exists. So unless you change the way you think about sex — you’ll have disappointing sex for the rest of your life. Or until you decide that it’s just not worth it, whichever comes first.

But this does not have to be your reality.

Good sex is still available in advanced age. And by advanced, I mean forty’s and beyond. All you have to do is adjust your perspective.

Redefining Sex

Spontaneous arousal used to be my norm, but not anymore now that I am five minutes from 50. Okay, I’m exaggerating just a tad, not about my libido, but about my age. I’ll be half a century later this year… so basically, in five minutes, like I said.

The point is, as a younger person, my body was prone to igniting into a ball of compulsive horniness at any given moment.

But that was then, and this is now.

At present, my arousal is more responsive. So if my lover touches me, my body springs into action, sometimes. Other times, my desire operates like an old computer with two measly gigabytes of RAM. In other words, it can be slow as fuck.

But a healthy sex life is important to me for both pleasure and wellness purposes. I want to have sex until I can’t. And because I don’t expect my body to do the things it used to do, I have changed the way I think about sex.

That means being patient while my body comes online and adapting when it doesn’t. I have redefined what sex means and what it looks like.

Last week my lover said, “ I think the way we kiss is sex.” This was following three hours of physical nakedness and emotionally intimate conversation — without intercourse. And I agree with him.

My definition of sex has expanded dramatically over the years. Sometimes sex includes penetration; other times, it doesn’t.

There are days when sex is merely dry humps, long cuddles, and open-mouth-tongue-tangling kisses. I am very fond of outercourse and sometimes have no desire for intercourse whatsoever.

I also love the sensation of being full, and on those days, I enjoy feeling my partner’s cock nestled deep inside of me.

The bottom line is, changing how you define sex does not limit the potential for pleasure; it multiplies the possibilities.

Lust is Finicky

One misconception about sex is that for it to be good, you must have strong sexual desire. And that desire should be directed toward someone who has a sexual appetite that matches or exceeds your own.

But I hate to be the one to break it to you, friend, but that’s not how it goes 99.9% of the time.

The gospel truth is lust is wishy-washy. Sexual desire waxes and wanes. And libidos play hide and seek. This is especially true as you age.

Hormone fluctuation, long to-do lists, and a host of other internal and external factors all influence your sex drive. In other words, the absence of palpable lust is not an indicator of a loss of attraction.

Romantic and sexual attraction is multi-layered. It’s a lot deeper than dilated pupils, flushed skin, and reactive genitalia. Because here’s the thing, hormones are prone to flatlining. They balance out over time, dragging much of that lust you once felt right along with em’.

But… all is not lost.

Hormones can be coerced into reanimation, which requires a bit of effort on your part.

You must be willing to start before you’re ready.
Trust me, your body will show up.

Initiating sexual contact, which may or may not include penetration, will jumpstart that lust you feel like you’ve been missing out on.

Where focus goes, the body follows.

Love is Not Enough

And as if it weren’t bad enough, that lust is so damn picky — love isn’t reliable either.

Remember back in the day when a look or a gaze from your beloved would cause your penis to rise or your vagina to drip? Well, that might not be the case anymore.

It’s not that you don’t love your partner — of course, you do. But just like you, they’re different now. And they are likely holding on to the body of yesterday’s past too. But it’s not the end of the road for either one of you.

The good thing about love is while it may not be reliable, it is resilient.

Love can adapt to most conditions. And with a little help from your budding attention, you and your boo can knock boots regularly. Keep in mind that regular may not mean every day, but there can be a semblance of consistency.

“Attention is the most basic form of love.” — Jiddu Krishnamurti

There are a gazillion things that distract you from connecting with your partner on an intimate level. But if having a satisfying sex life is essential to you — you’re going to have to do the work.

Make checking in with one another, in real-time, a habit.

Be generous with eye contact.
Keep it flirty.
Hold hands.
Turn toward one another — even when you’re upset.
Actively listen.

To put it simply —make sure that your partner feels loved by you.

These things may not be sexual — but they generate sexual energy. And sexual energy is a renewable resource that will revitalize your sex life and deepen intimacy.

Sex and aging go together like peanut butter and jelly.

All you have to do is shift your perspective, adjust your expectations, and be willing to participate.

It’s also an excellent idea to have a sense of humor. Because I don’t know about you — but sex is a lot funnier at this age than it was when I was a youngin’! 🤣

Originally posted on Medium.