Most of us spend so much time building safety (nets) that we are fucking up desire.
Bold statement, I know. But that doesn’t make it less true.
See, the thing about desire is it needs mystery and novelty, which is basically the antithesis of security.
There is so much talk about feeling safe in relationships. Which I totally get. Who doesn’t want to be in a partnership that feels like home? I know I do. YES, AND… We also want to be put through a mattress every now and again.
How the hell are we supposed to have both?
It’s actually not as tall an order as it seems. But does require a few adjustments.
The issue isn’t that long-term relationships squash desire. It’s that we stop really seeing our partners.
We move in partnership like we navigate furniture. It’s always exactly where you left it. Looking how it always looks. Doing what it always does. There, but not there.
Not exactly ideal conditions for desire to percolate and thrive.
It’s unintentional. We don’t do it on purpose. Well, I guess it’s not exactly by accident. We’re just trying to feel secure. And consistency offers that in spades.
For the record, there’s nothing inherently unsexy about safety. But safety morphs into sameness. When everything is known, shared, and predictable, novelty and tension dissipates, and therefore desire goes poof. 💨
Desire requires spaciousness. Not necessarily emotional distance, but definitely psychological elbowroom. It needs enough space to remember that a person, your person, any person, can never be fully known.
In this week's episode, we're digging into what it actually looks like to create space inside a long-term relationship without blowing up the safety you’ve worked so hard to build.
Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or wherever you get your podcasts.
If this resonated with you, share the link with a friend
or, even better, with your partner.
