In our minds, we want wild, uninhibited sex. We fantasize about letting go and getting lost in the throes of pleasure.
But when it’s time to get naked, with the person who’s seen you ugly cry, argue with the delivery guy, and pick your booty, you clam up.
It’s not that you’re unsure about your partner’s love. You’re just not sure if they’ll accept that part of you.
We blame our bodies first, of course. The things that gravity does to bellies and thighs are criminal. We assume that sex gets tense, boring, and scripted because we don’t look like we did at 27.
But I’m not convinced that our waistbands are the problem. It’s all the time we’ve spent building a persona.
Good husband.
Chill Wife.
The person who has their shit together (mostly… sometimes).
Those identities work in the checkout line and at HOA meetings. Not so much when you want to be needy, greedy, bossy, submissive, loud, messy, nasty, or anything that doesn’t line up with who you’ve been pretending to be for the last decade.
Asking for something different in bed feels like a confession. And that’s the rub, right?
That’s why we stick with the script.
There’s comfort in that cage.
If you grew up with the “real men” and “good girl” tropes, you learned the rules of who you’re allowed to be. And how to avoid being rejected, laughed at, or side-eyed.
So when your desires shift, along with your changing body, you weigh whether it’s safe for your reputation, even in your own bed, with the person you’re doing life with.
Will they think I’m a freak?
Will they question my integrity?
Will they bring it up the next time we fight?
That’s a lot of pressure to put on your pelvis.
So you keep doing what you’ve always done. Shrink to fit. Laugh it off. Swallow it down. File it away for the future you, liberated from the shackles of sameness.
The mortgage didn’t kill your desire.
Extra weight didn’t make you less erotic.
Time didn’t destroy your capacity for wild, delicious, profound pleasure.
But the idea that breaking character in bed is something to be ashamed of did.
In this week’s episode, we’re getting into why the persona you’ve built might be the thing standing between you and the sex you actually want.
Listen here (up there 👆🏾) or wherever you get your podcasts.
If this resonated with you, share the link with a friend
or, even better, with your partner.
